One month. A lot has happened in 30 days, and I apologize for not posting anything in that short amount of time. I kept telling myself that I needed to get back into writing, not even needed to... I WANTED to, but I did not have the energy or desire to sit in my office and do it. I just kept occupying myself with other things, things that didn't require me to remember, things that didn't require me to write the truth. And then... just when I was going to sit down and write, something else would happen that would send me into a downward spiral. Don't get me wrong, for the most part April was a great month - I was working out a ton, getting used to my new schedule, I have two new clients, and I've been happier. But then there were days when I would just sit and remember.
I lost my puppy, Maddie girl, on March 30th, and it has not been easier. Time has not made it better, and I don't think it ever will. It was sudden, in a sense, and I was there for it. It was not an easy decision, and it absolutely sucked. I spent the whole weekend curled up on the couch, and had trouble falling asleep. If you've never had a dog, then you wouldn't understand even if I spent the next year trying to explain it to you. She was my best friend, and we would often go on walks together, or she'd hang outside while I ran and each time I'd run around the block, there she was, excitedly waiting for me at the gate. As she got older we went on less, and less walks, but she was always there. Even a month later, as I sit here and write this, the tears easily flow.
However, after feeling all the feels, I eventually got back into the routine of working out, and started to find strength in pushing myself through harder workouts, which was okay for awhile until I reached the point of uncomfortable neck pain. I'd been having shoulder pain for a good amount of time, but I just kept pushing through it. Unfortunately, that led to neck pain, because all the other muscles were overcompensating for the weakness in my shoulder. It got so difficult to deal with that I found an integrative therapist, who uses a Rolfing inspired form of bodywork. "The Thatcher Method is a Rolfing inspired form of bodywork. Like Rolfing, the Thatcher Method concentrates of structural and fascial tone imbalances that run in and through the bodies connective tissue. Unlike Rolfing the Thatcher Method is not restricted to a series of 10-12 pre-ordained sessions, but instead is taylored to meet the unique needs and challenges of each individual client. The work is deep, intense, painful and very worth it."
Turns out I have a strained supraspinatus, one of the muscles in the rotator cuff, and if I kept going the way I was going, it would probably tear, and then I'd be in big trouble. You know how they say foam rolling hurts so good, think of this as foam rolling x100. It was PAINFUL, but it was a relief. He was barely touching me, but it felt like he was digging into my shoulder, neck, and arm with daggers. It hurt, but I knew he was fixing my body, realigning it and working on greater mobility. At one point, he heard clicking in my shoulder, he cracked my wrist and it immediately went away. A bone wasn't aligned where it should be... how wild is that?
I'm not going to lie though, when I walked out of there, I felt defeated. I was told I couldn't workout upper body for at least two weeks - which is not only difficult to do as a kickboxing instructor and personal trainer, but it's even more difficult as a fitness fanatic and workout fiend like myself. I love to workout, to find ways to challenge myself, and know I am growing stronger each and every day. I was still allowed to work lower body, abs, and run if I wanted to, but I wasn't allowed to pick up any weights. So there was another blow to my head and body...
I immediately tried to push my body the next day to run, but felt so much worse the next day, and realized maybe I should just rest it as much as I can as not to irritate it or inflame the area. So I officially have no worked out in 5 days, and I'm still alive. I have, instead, been focusing on my nutrition, and trying to make sure it's as lean, clean, and green as possible, because I can control that. I'm breathing in and out deeply, and trying to let go of the things I cannot control. It's not going to be easy, but in the end I'm going to make sure I come out better and stronger than ever before.
This just goes to show you that nothing can keep you down, unless you let it.